Things to make and do while waiting for your food to grow
Mix and match to suit
Invest in wildlife futures
Sit in your Hummer and go “Vroom.”
Euthenase yourself
Concentrate on growing your toenails
Start growing your own food
Elect real humans, not slogans
Elect slogans, not real humans. Slogans don't drive Hummers.
Plant an oilwell
Boil your slogans instead of always frying them
Join an army and euthenase lots of strangers, kids, puppies etc
Plant public food trees
Sink an oilwell in your backyard. Two-thirds of it hasn't been found yet, informed sources say. It must be somewhere. (This offer is open to US readers only)
Go back to bed
Plant a bed at the back
Travel less
Travel by internet
Build a fleet of steam ships
Carry coals to Newcastle. Maggie shut the mines down.
Avoid the roads. Hurdle backyard fences instead.
Before you leave, imagine you are back already.
Move closer to your work
Move to Mars
Convert the world's trucks from diesel to natural gas or pulverised coal
Catch a train, but remember to let it go again. They are public property.
Astral travel. Buy takeaways while out there.
Buy a much smaller car
Sail there
Buy a bicycle and use it
Stiff upper lip. Remember the Blitz
Build and sell bicycle utes
Buy a solar powered electric lawnmower. We sell very good ones, very cheap. Send no Kerensky money.
Nuke the Arabs/Americans/New Guinea Highlanders/Nigerians/Yourself/Whoever is responsible
Dig up your lawn and replace it with veggies
Stop attending green conferences on the other side of the accessible universe
Dig up the front lawn of parlaiment and replace it with veggies.
Nuke all the little green men from Betelguese.
Stiff upper lip. Remember the Alamo/The Long March/Rorkes Drift/Marilyn Monroe
Live on hope, and switch to fueling up on unleaded hope with 10 percent ethanol.
Move your work closer to home
Blog out
Breed donkeys. They can’t stand oil, but haul good loads.
Call the petrol pump guard Komrad, Tovarich or Mate, depending on latitude and longitude.
Breed better donkeys than your neighbour. The class struggle is not over yet.
Pray to your favorite supernatural being , but do not request that it rain oil. The stuff is flammable and some supernatural beings have not had the requisite safety training.
Make donkey carts. Motorbike wheels are best, but car wheels will do. Take the crown wheel and spider gears out of the diff. Donkeys don't like spiders.
Take up wildlife photography, but rather than the last crocodiles im southern China, aim to photograph the mice or cane toads at home.
Sing jolly marching songs on your way to work.
Sell your body for a half-litre can of diesel
Sell your SUV for a half litre can of diesel
Dob in a petrol-sniffer
Buy one of the new all-electric oil-less semi-trailers. You sit in the seat and wind the windows up and down till the batteries go flat.
Don't panic.
Write the definitive oilout novel
Panic occasionally. It's such fun.
Tell all your friends about the Ten Percent Club.
See if you have any friends left
It is possible that this list is not quite perfect, nor entirely comprehensive. There may yet be room for others to do some thinking on this front. Send in your suggestions.
If you are starving, my apologies for this levity. I am just trying to help keep the general morale up, so you don't get mugged as well.
Be aptimistic. The world needs more apt mystics.
A whole new lifestyle awaits you.
Here is a poetry contest. It honours the great Hollywood hero, SUVerman. Faster than a speeding fine, able to leap his Hummer over tall pebbles in a singlet, etc., etc.
Replace all words after either “, or “out ...,” as you prefer
"A charming young lady's young lout,
when he told her the oil had run out ...
I forget what came next,
but it was graphic text
And unprintable, as you'd not doubt. "
The winner gets to walk here and to personally pat both Burke and Wills, the donkeys who sponsored this effort. Thanks also to the folks at Weebly.com. who made both possible and so easy.
